[ A note of explanation: This post was deemed inappropriate for PubliCola consumption, so I'm publishing it here, and realizing how much I miss the old hugeasscity. ]
Change is good. And during my recent blogging hiatus, mind purified and calm after a 600-mile sprint through the Pyrenees on a Ducati 996 followed by a two-day ayahuasca binge curled up in an abandoned spider monkey nest 120 feet above the Amazon rain forest floor, my destiny crystallized: sex advice columnist. Yes, the seemingly whimsical choice of the name hugeasscity happened for a reason.
And so, gentle readers, say hello to The Sexy Planner.
Really. I mean, how many times can a thinking, feeling human being pontificate on housing-unit density and alternative transportation modes before ossifying into a passionless, barren shell? Need to put the brakes on a lusty scene spiraling out of control? Simply utter these words: “comprehensive planning.”
Now, transitioning from starkly depressing diatribes on the inevitable downfall of the American Way of Life to chipper advice on the most functional surface textures of vibrators is a big leap for any writer to make, no doubt. So my angle for a new sex advice column is to anchor it with what I know, which, unfortunately, is pretty unsexy stuff, but at least lends itself to an alliterative title: Land Use Love.
Fortunately, even though our culture has become sexually permissible to the point where you can now buy lavishly equipped S&M dungeon kits at WalMart, most of us are still as neurotically dysfunctional about sex as ever, so there’s always plenty of room in the market for a new angle on sex advice. That said, however, successfully combining supremely cold, sterile phrases like “policy framework” and “vehicle miles traveled” with lascivious discussions of all the possibilities suggested in the photo above, for example, will be no easy task.
But my oh my, how multitudinous and begging to be explored are the nexuses between the worlds of sex and urban planning: mixed-use zoning and polyamorism; design guidelines and leather fetishes; adaptive re-use and sex changes; carbon neutrality and bondage, beige subdivisions and the missionary position; “riding” a bike.
Yes, my fate is set—there’s no going back. Vanilla discussions of urbanism no longer do it for me. The future of hugeasscity is one in which car bashing posts will be replaced by insights on creative sex positions for the cramped interiors of SmartCars. Trains that stimulate more than TOD. Not your father’s environmental determinism.
So what about about it people? Are you hot for a little Land Use Love action?
P.S. Have I mentioned that I’m gay? Well, bi, really, I guess. Let’s just say I’m exploring.
P.P.S. Don’t believe anything you read on personal blogs. Especially ones with the word “ass” in the title.